Recognizing God's Hand in your Bitterness & Joy
“How are you?” “I’m fine.” I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard that greeting.
What is usually unspoken in the response is that everything is not fine but we are too cynical to believe that the other person has a vested interest and commitment in hearing about and helping us through our struggles in life. Perhaps we are right. While the brevity of these answers may be sufficiently street-smart when talking to strangers, they often creep into our interactions within the church and even our own homes.
In these latter two spheres, it is all too easy to lay a thin veneer of theological justification which implies that God’s people don’t suffer and aren’t defeated, therefore, I am the only one here struggling today; these other people “have it together.” The end result is that people suffer alone while the Body of Christ misses an opportunity to dig deep into the soul of the Christian message and find the solutions for living in a world that is cracked and broken.
As missionaries we always struggle with how to share about our struggles with our children. The leading edge of the spear is the first to cut flesh but also the first to wear out and break. Many times the problems in ministry seem insurmountable. Our “Christian culture” tells us to have faith and God will work it out. Sometimes this happens, but often we are left with the problem and the promise that God is good. Is this the image of God we want our children to have? What is the productive way to be honest and transparent with them about dangerously following Jesus (and not reinforce the false notion that everything works out fine when you serve God and live right—Read the second half of Hebrews 11) without giving them too much when they can’t handle it? Also, how can they have time where they debrief their day in a way that is more meaningful than: “How was school?” “Fine.”
A friend of mine introduced me to the prayer of examen.
This prayer originated with Ignatius (1491-1556) and is designed to recognize the daily leading and working of God in our lives. There are many renditions of how to do this prayer. Our family has taken the principles and tried to make it applicable for small children (ages 9, 6, 4, 2). Here is how we do it and some of what we try to symbolize and hope to get out of the experience:
We use the mealtime as our setting. I believe this is how the Lord’s Supper was originally practiced, and for us it is much more than weekly/monthly/quarterly remembrance of Jesus through a thimble of juice and a crumb of bread. It is daily remembrance and celebration through a communal meal. This is faithful to the fact that the original Lord’s Supper was the celebration of Passover, and the hint in Acts of the early believers worshiping and fellowshipping house to house with table fellowship as the centerpiece of their praxis.
I pour a small glass of wine, pass it around and everyone takes a sip. It’s bitter; the kids hate it. Like the wine and bitter herbs at Passover or the proverbial bitter cup that Jesus asked God to remove from him, the bitterness of the wine reminds us that some things in life are just bitter. There is no glossing over them with Christian platitudes. They must be embraced, even celebrated, as God’s will for and work in our lives.
We pray for the meal. This is not a blessing. The earth is the Lord’s and every good gift is from him and meant to be received with thanksgiving. Meals are not just sustenance in our house; they are celebrations. When life is in a state of war and chaos, celebrating a meal is a direct shot across the bow at the enemy that says we are not afraid and we have future hope. Our prayer is thanksgiving for His providence, a recognition of His work on the cross and the kingdom which He inaugurated, and a statement of our expectation of what He is yet to do.
As we share the meal, we go around the table in two phases (This is how we do the desolation/consolation part of examen). The first phase everyone thanks God for something specific. This is the time that we each reflect on what has happened that day and the ways in which we have seen God bless us in some way. The kids usually need a little help; they either err on the side of thanking God for everything or on the side of being so specific that they thank God for their lasagna. Usually we go a couple rounds of short one-line (eyes-open) thanksgiving prayers to God. The second phase focuses on the bad things about the day. This is the time were we get more specific about our sins, struggles, problems, etc. Again, it takes work to get specific about things that happened that day. While there is not always something bitter to share here, it does create a daily time of accountability with the family where they have the freedom to bring up something that is getting them down. They don’t have to muster the courage and figure out how to broach the topic with us; it is part of our day. This also provides us as parents the opportunity to share the heavier things that happen in our lives with them. We have learned many things about their interactions with school and have been able to support our kids in deeper ways through this time of sharing.
In practicing the prayer of examen, more often than not, I am convicted at how little I think about and look for God’s hand in my life. When I am forced to reflect on my day verbally, I look back and see many things that I have missed.
We challenge you to give the prayer of examen a try. Mealtime may not work for you. Keep the focus on what God has done that day. Wake up in the morning and try to be looking for things He is doing. Practice this communally as a family. Be willing to embrace the joy and bitterness that God places in our lives.
Jacques and Marie Hébert and their four children are missionaries to Muslims.
